What sucks about going to a great school... is now my selection of men is drastically limited.

So basically, now I either am going to have to deal with a guy who is so pretentious I want to vomit, or a guy who is so threatened by my academic caliber that he treats me horribly to compensate. I've had both at this point. I don't know which is preferable.

Sloan made me paranoid tonight about kicking the boy's ass at Scrabble twice in a row.

Fucking Columbia. They're probably not even going to let me back in.

I am on NO SLEEP because the super refuses to turn the heat down in my apartment. And it's not even that really humid summer heat, it's really dry and I wake up all but dehydrated every morning, even when I didn't go out drinking the night before. All my windows are wide open but it's not helping. I also keep having really bizarre and emotionally upsetting dreams which I am SURE are connected to the heat in some way. It's gotten to the point where I don't even care that my hot water doesn't go all the way up anymore because it's actually a chance for me to cool down.

Also, I cannot WAIT to go back to work tomorrow. Having three weeks off seems like a good idea in theory but I've been driving myself nuts.

I wrote a 45-page thesis about Bollywood and Indian terrorist movies. Over the course of my college career I became a pro at churning out a 5-page book analysis in under an hour every week. But who knew that writing sensationalistic bios of thirteen teenagers in Brooklyn would be so difficult?

I've been trying to do this since 4:30 yesterday afternoon and haven't even managed to complete ONE as yet. Granted, it's a nice breather from editing 24/7, but I definitely did not think that it was going to be this hard to take high school drama and shape it into viable plot points.

Add to this the fact that I really cannot concentrate today for personal reasons, and we have a two-hour assignment that's probably going to take me all day.

I wish these bios would just write themselves so that I could tackle the next beast: THE POWERPOINT PRESENTATION.

Starseed1241 (11:04:29 PM): as much as i try to play the tough girl card...i am such a total innocent.
Starseed1241 (11:04:35 PM): i don't know how i feel about that.
Starseed1241 (11:06:40 PM): i don't want to go out and be a whore just for the sake of being a whore. but at the same time, i feel like there's such a stigma attached to being innocent.
Starseed1241 (11:08:28 PM): it's like...no one wants to corrupt the nice girl...so they just pass her by instead.

I am an innocent. And sometimes I just don't want to be one.

My parents were wrong about one thing. Losing my virginity didn't give out any signals that I wanted to hook up with people. People still see me as just this naïve, sweet little girl who'll be great to marry someday, but right now they'd prefer to hook up with someone else. Usually I'm fine with that, but for some reason it's getting to me tonight. Maybe if I'd garnered more experience earlier...maybe if I threw myself at sketchy guys in bars...maybe if I weren't so picky about who I make an effort to approach...maybe then I wouldn't feel this lonely.

I don't know if the way I'm feeling has anything to do with the nightmare, or leaving home tomorrow, or what. But there IS a stigma to being innocent. People see me as pure. Clean. Uncorrupted. Someone they'd love to take home to their parents, but who isn't any fun on a drunken Saturday night.

Am I going to have to wait until I'm thirty to be approached by anyone?

The thing is, I don't even want to get in a serious relationship right now. I'd just like to be hit on every once in a while. Flirted with. Approached by a stranger (who didn't have intentions of marriage). Something. Anything.

And I have such a strong feeling that being an innocent has painted an indelible black mark on me, that tells people to stay away.

Maybe this is just a cry for attention. I don't know. But as much as I'm proud of who I am, sometimes I can't help wishing that I was someone else entirely.

Leave it to me to get sick the night before my first exam.

I feel totally and completely underprepared for this one as well.

No sleep for Roopa for the next 2 nights (due to the need to cram for this test and write my paper tomorrow night, respectively).

If you know my AIM name, leave me lots of love. I'm desperately going to need it.

I studied in Butler tonight for the first time in my life.

My back is killing me.

I feel like a failure in a lot of respects. Especially in the academic arena. These next two weeks are going to be complete hell, but now I realize that, and I'm determined to work as hard as possible to get everything done that I need to. At least then I can be satisfied with that aspect of my life.

And I have a giant red blemish on my nose that makes "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" pop into my head every time I look in the mirror.

Simply speaking, I'm a mess right about now.

I feel like a little retail therapy is in order for tomorrow morning. I need a pick-me-up. :)

I go into things saying very loudly that I have no expectations, but yet I keep expecting things to happen and wind up thoroughly disappointed at the end of it all.

Sometimes I wish that the love of my life was someone who I was intensely irritated by at first. That would make things a hell of a lot easier. And spare me a lot of unnecessary hatred of myself.

But, on to brighter things before I leave for class this morning...photos from this weekend, round 1.

( There's no sleep at a shaadi. )

Ugh. The last thing I want to do is go to Film Theory. But there's so little time in the semester left. It seriously feels like classes just started. Last year was a blur, and this term feels like it never even happened.

If the remaining 3 semesters are only going to go by faster...then I'm absolutely terrified.

I have been travelling since 7:30 AM today.

This weekend has been the worst in the WORLD in terms of flight delays, waiting for trains/planes/etc., and more.

Thank God for the fact that I'm going home by car for winter break. If I have to ride in another plane during the next 3 months I'm going to shoot myself. Well no, but something close.

Sometimes I just want my parents to arrange my wedding and be done with it. I'm inclined to just give up right about now.

I just ordered a pasta dish that:

1) took forever to come and
2) had little bits of meat sprinkled in it.

I tried to pick around the meat for about 20 minutes, because I felt bad wasting the whole dish, but gave up and threw the whole thing out.

WHY can't restaurants TELL YOU in the menu if the food is going to have meat in it????

I think I'm going to be sick. Literally.

Ughhhhh. Just gorged myself on half of a stack of orange flavored chocolate. I'm going to the gym tonight but I still feel so guilty.

I hope this doesn't get back to the point where I begin to feel crappy about my body no matter what. I thought getting down to a size 6 would be enough to convince me otherwise, but I guess I was wrong.

I need to strengthen my willpower. Desperately.

And the stupid manager at the movie theater wouldn't give me a Veer-Zaara poster, even though I literally begged him for one. I'm going to steal one if he still doesn't relent on Friday. And I have Priya as my getaway vehicle.

Things driving me forward right now: Wednesday morning (SO EXCITED) and Diwali in Westchester/seeing V-Z this weekend.

The Hindi TA spent the entire class today insulting my handwriting.

Well, buddy, as long as we're talking about bad handwriting, yours completely takes the cake.

This shouldn't have made me as upset as it did, but I'm so irked right now, mainly because everyone else tells me my handwriting is beautiful. I don't think my handwriting's bad -- I think he has a personal grudge against me for some unknown reason. He told me to shut up at the beginning of class today too.

I wish Shaheenji could teach all 4 days instead of having this guy come in and ruin my week :(

So it doesn't help that on the first night of school my throat hurts and I can't stop sneezing and I feel like shit.

And maybe it's not that great that my mom doesn't want me to take Hindi because she thinks it's "too traditional," just like the idea of me piercing my nose (i.e., "I didn't send you to Columbia just so you could work in Bollywood"...my dad took French and German in college and when does he ever use those? She should be happy I'm learning the tounge of the motherland because i goddamn well want to...).

And I guess it sucks that the company I want to work for more than anything in the world right now isn't giving me the time of day.

I came into this year thinking that it was going to be the best year ever. And my room looks so fucking cute and just basing things on that, I'd say everything's getting off to a pretty decent start. But tonight I got the inexplicable feeling that things are steadily going downhill for me.

What if I never find a job? What if I never get married or have kids or even find love (the kind that lasts forever, not just the kind where the sex starts out good and you're completely taken with each other for a while, but after a little bit things steadily start to get worse)? What if I never make my life worth anything? What if my parents have been right all along in trying to persuade me that the things I love have no future in them whatsoever?

I'm not upset because I don't have a guy -- in fact, that's the last thing I need cluttering up my life at the moment. Men hitting on me all over the place is fine right now. But I can't stand the thought of spending my whole life alone, living off of my parents, and unable to do anything that I so want to now. I'm terrified that I don't have the potential to do what I really want to. And the worst part is I feel like I owe it to my parents to make something of myself in return for all that they've given me. I love that we've bonded so much now, but it's pretty hard to ignore them when you've come to respect them and their opinions so much.

And what if MY opinions of everything are completely wrong? I thought Sloan and I were so perfect together, but looking back on it, it was one of the weirdest match-ups I could ever think of (which, incidentally, was my initial reaction to the idea of us getting together in the first place). What if I don't have the ability to tell who'd right for me?

What if, underneath it all, I'm just a fuck-up?

I wish it were still my first year. Things seemed so much easier back then. I had great grades, a boyfriend, and no sense of obligation to my parents whatsoever.

This whole maturity and having a sense of responsibility thing really bites. If I had my way, I'd stay a kid forever.

I saw Health Services about my cough. They prescribed an inhaler. I told them I wasn't on CU insurance. The nurse looked at me like I was crazy and said "Oh, that might be a problem." Yes nurse. It might. Just an itsy-bitsy bit of a problem.

I wish things weren't so up in the air, I wish I wasn't so confused, I wish people would respond to me about jobs, and I wish people would comment on my goddamn Livejournal.

Grawr.

* * * * *

There are many, many crazy things
That will keep me loving you
And with your permission, may I list a few?

The way you wear your hat
The way you sip your tea
The memory of all that
No, no, they can't take that away from me

The way your smile just beams
The way you sing off key
The way you haunt my dreams
No, no, they can't take that away from me

We may never, never meet again
On that bumpy road to love
Still I'll always, always keep the memory of

The way you hold your knife
The way we danced till three
The way you changed my life
No, no, they can't take that away from me
No! they can't take that away from me

I'm soaking wet, I'm totally coughing like Smuckers (the dog in that one Seinfeld episode), I feel so incredibly NOT HOT, I have class in 15 minutes, and still no response from Focus whatsoever.

Can this week be over now? Pwease?

this afternoon i was walking with sloan to barnard when i got these shooting pains in my stomach and i had to leave really abruptly...i felt like i was going to be sick all over broadway and i ran to dodge and just sat in the bathroom crying for 10 minutes
i'm starting to think that something is seriously going wrong with the tetanus shot i got monday...it hasn't stopped hurting...and maybe that's because of the soreness factor but when i've been sore before it's never felt like this
i feel like such shit right now and there's nothing anyone can do about it

why is this happening to me? it's like my body is deteriorating just when i need it to work properly for once.

i should be reading but i'm not. nothing unusual, right?

waking up to screaming children every morning is not my cup of tea.

very bored. very verrry bored.

had a crap week and a very cathartic weekend. was scared by my own mind and then was able to talk about it for pretty much the first time. saw 28 days later, which freaked me the fuck out.

i wonder where everyone is.

for some reason i've been more confused than ever this week. i've been doing things wrong, remembering things wrong, giving people the wrong information, not on purpose, but just because i don't catch myself in time. i'll say something completely untrue and then correct myself a minute later with "wait a second, that's not right..." am i becoming a pathological liar? i don't think so...i hope not...dear god, please no...

auditioned for romeo and juliet, but doubt very much that i made it in. whatever. i don't really care, seeing as my experience with R&J was so horrible in high school. bad vibes throughout that entire show. and they made me a hermaphroditic prince. wasn't too happy with that. for once i would love to be a girl in a shakespeare play.

suffering immense sloan withdrawal. seeing him for half an hour last night was definitely not enough. i miss him so much.

the list of bad things that have happened to me today:

1) the shit with the radiator (but they fixed it!! yay!!)
2) lianna had asked me to be available so i could open her door for the refrigerator guy. but the security lady was being a bitch and didn't let him go upstairs...which means GUESS who had to carry the fridge to lianna's room, got poked and prodded with an unmaneuverable cart, AND jammed her finger in the elevator?!?
3) i slipped and fell on the lerner ramps and spilled root beer all over the place while numerous upperclassmen stared and then moved on
4) i thought that steph wasn't going to be able to come in today (...her flight wasn't cancelled, it was delayed, but still...)
5) got JACKSHIT done for my paper this morning
6) didn't study at all for psych...but now that it's over i really couldn't care less
7) i have a headache
8) it's snowing...i HATE snow
9) the high from last night has completely disappeared

ugh...now i really have to do my paper...or take a nap...a nap sounds so good right now...