These posters appeared all over our office between 4 and 6 PM today. At first I got really excited but then I realized that if this were to happen, and MTV were to revert back to what it once was, my entire department would probably be out of a job.

Last night I went to see The Hold Steady -- only my favorite band EVER right now -- in Prospect Park with Sloan. And now I'm pretty much never going to go to a concert again if it's not them, because it was seriously the best live show I've ever seen.

( ybor city is tres speedy but they throw such killer parties. )

Best. Concert. EVER. They're coming back to the city in September and I cannot wait.

One last thing: keep your calendars free on Saturday, August 25 from 1 to 7 PM EDT for the True Life Marathon on MTV -- the project I've been working on for the past month. It's the first time something I've worked on this closely has aired and I'm super proud of my contribution to it. So watch it!

I just torched the last pictures I had of my ex and I together. Lianna and I almost started a fire in the bathroom, but it was worth it.

Whenever you need to cleanse your life of someone, I highly recommend burning something that you significantly attach to the relationship. It doesn't have to be a photo -- it can be anything, from a Post-It with someone's phone number on it to a note or letter. Regardless. There's so much symbolism in the act. I used to think it was worthwhile to hang on to all of the old mementos, and photographs, and things that reminded you of the person in question, and for a while I did that. But looking at them only made me miserable, and I know that I will always feel bitter about our relationship now that I realize what it really was.

I had already thrown away everything else. Getting rid of these pictures was the final step to take in terms of moving forward.

During the makeshift bonfire, Lianna turned to me and said, very seriously, "He's a jackass, and you're so much better off without him. You realize that, right?"

I do. I finally do.

This whole situation is like a bloody messy divorce. That's what it is. Except we were never married in the first place.

I have NO motivation to do anything other than sleep -- not my paper (due in 4 hours), not studying for my Hindi exam, not working on my A-B (for which I've already asked for an extension) or my screenplay. I just may not go to class today, except for Hindi. All of this horrible emotional bullshit and human interaction garbage came at exactly the WRONG point in time for me, academically speaking. It always has a tendency to do so.

I wish this sinking feeling would just go away so I could concentrate on dowry crimes in South Asia.

I HATE drama. I hate it more than I can say, and I wish my life could just be peaceful. But it seems to like following me around wherever I go.

I used to hate pink when I was little but for some reason I'm feeling all girlyfied lately. :)

I got the most ADORABLE bag from urban outfitters today -- wide wale green corduroy with leather straps and a shitload of exterior pockets. I'll finally be able to fit my Hindi binder inside my bag properly. Along with my notebook and multiple coursepacks and/or textbooks.

I HATE HOW MY CLOTHES SHRINK IN THE WASH. Dammit. Anything that makes you feel like you've gained weight when you haven't is, in the words of my across-the-hall neighbour Lizzie, simply not fair.

So I went to the Target website today, and they said there was one in Times Square. "Perfect," I think to myself, "I don't even have to leave Manhattan to get my cookware." So I took the subway to 42nd only to discover that the Times Square Target isn't even open yet. They're in the process of building it. So there were two hours of my day, wasted. I think I should sue for false advertising.

I miss Sloan a lot. Not even in a romantic way. I just miss having him here. He hasn't emailed from Russia yet, which is to be expected because he doesn't really have access to a computer there, but I still wish I could hear from him. As selfish as this sounds, I don't want him to make a new best friend there. I don't want him to forget about me and have our friendship become completely different upon his return because he can't stop talking about someone else. That's what I'm the most worried about on top of everything. I'm so happy for him, and I want him to have this experience because I think it'll be awesome for him...but I wish he didn't have to go to Russia to have it.

That blank wall of white space above my bed is pissing me off. I need a poster to fill it. And working Christmas lights too.

I wish I could have gone salsa dancing tonight, but Gandhi Day calls.

I want a cupcake. Or some Oreos. I'm absolutely starving.

I'm getting sick of everything right about now.

Countdown: T minus 1.5 weeks (approximately) until I head home to NYC. And I cannot WAIT.

I'm gonna miss my mom like crazy though. My dad too, but my mom in particular. We've gotten so close this summer, closer than ever before. And I'm worried about her when she has to be all by herself once I've gone to school (when my dad is teaching at night or preoccupied with work). I want her to come visit me a lot, just take weekend holidays and fly up to New York and spend a couple of days with me. We would have so much fun on the town together. We have plans to go up to Jackson Heights once we get back into town and to get our hair mehendi-ed and just have a blast.

Possible trip to India in December, to visit my grandparents. I'm gonna do enough shopping to make up for the horrible food poisoning experience this year. :)

Why am I so terrified of business phone calls? That, and I always manage to sound idiotic on the line. I stutter, forget important details, talk really fast...ugh. I desperately want an internship fall semester, but do I want it badly enough for me to pick up a phone and call the company?

I don't have a crush right now. Weird, yeah? It feels like there's this void in my life, which makes me think about how sad it is that crushes are so important to me. Sometimes I just want an arranged marriage so I can be done with it. Hopefully things will change once I hit CU again...

( BUT! This TOTALLY MADE MY DAY!! Sloan's coming to visit me before heading off to Russia!!! )

Mwahahahahaha. I have him for 3 days. So freaking excited, I get to see my best friend again before he leaves me for 3 months...I thought I wasn't going to be able to :D

Here's to New York City. SOON.

RESOLVED:

1) I need to see Health Services about this cough. Immediately. I feel like the whole world is getting pissed off at me, especially when I let a loud hack out during the loaded silences in movies and performances. But I can't help it!

2) Manu Chao rocks my world.

3) My room is a disaster. Jessiika, love, we need to clean up...preferrably before move-out...

4) People still aren't responding to me about jobs for this summer. Well, scratch that. One company has...and has flat-out rejected me. But it's ok. I don't need them. I can work at Sesame Street instead...hopefully...I have a place to live, why can't I just find a job??

5) Kill Bill Vol. 2 is going to flat out kick ass. That's all there is to it. At 9:45 tonight I'll be sitting in a theatre at Lincoln Center enjoying the second installment of Q. Tarantino's saga of betrayal and violence. SO EXCITED.
EDIT: Oh shit, oh shit, I am about to have an orgasm because it was so good. See it. NOW.

6) 5 papers all due within the same week. As well as multiple applications for various things. Golly gee, this is going to be FUN.

7) My TA is 28 years old (or so). That, and is completely oblivious to women drooling over him and "just doesn't date," according to my friend Ana. Oh, and all the girls in my section have crushes on him. BUT: he never told any of them he wanted to procreate with them in the event of the apocalypse (I think). Still, this kind of comes as a blow...

8) Thank you to you guys who have been so supportive of me during this terrible week. I know I haven't exactly been the most wonderful person, and I really appreciate everything you have done for me.

9) Fucking THIRD ROW CENTER for the Magnetic Fields concert on May 20. HELL FUCKING YES. Sloan owes me a million and a half for this one.

I think that's it for now. And if it's not, screw it, it wasn't important anyway.

There was a tropical sense of danger too, for I walked as apprehensively as though a snake coiled under every leaf, because i feared to come on them while he was speaking to her without looking at her, or thinking in silence while he played with her hand. Embraces do not matter; they merely indicate the will to love and may as well be followed by defeat as victory. But disregard means that now there needs to be no straining of the eyes, no stretching forth of the hands, no pressing of the lips, because theirs is such a union that they are no longer conscious of the division of their flesh. I know it must be so; a lonely life gives one opportunities of thinking these things out.

(it doesn't help that i have to write a paper about love and eroticism in this book. i'm getting so lovesick just reading it that i can't focus on writing. that, and i spent all evening talking to the boy who still has my heart in his possession.)

i'm going to see bill murray on the 13th of april with sloan. i'm so excited! and conan on friday which should be SO much fun.

julia, you'll be happy to know that i'm not dying. my arm feels loads better and my stomach problems were just the result of really bad cramps. it's the work that may eventually kill me (but as soon as i get the three papers i have to do done and suffer through three finals, one of which [indian civ] is going to eat me alive, i think i'll be ok).

tonight's the christmizzy celabrizzy! so excited.

and my boyfriend and i were walking through campus last night when it was snowing and beautiful and he stopped me under the lit up trees on college walk and kissed me right there. made me hate the snow a LOT less. ::swoon::

pulp fiction is my new favorite movie. i'd seen it before, but seeing it again really solidified that idea in my head.

thank god for the long weekend, i don't know what i would have done without it. halloween i spent all day traipsing up and down broadway with lianna looking for red and white striped socks. we didn't succeed, but it was a nice walk, and it was good to spend some time with a friend. that night, sloan and i went to see alien in times square, and although i really don't like times square at all, it was an awesome movie, if a little slow at the beginning.

saturday i spent in the basement of ruggles, where my boyfriend taught me about football for the majority of the day. i now can actually follow along with the game instead of sitting there being confused. it's quite a nice feeling. :)

that night i came back at 1 am and tried to go to bed, but before i'd actually fallen asleep, jess and lianna came into the room and notified me that a mouse had run into the room earlier that day while i was gone. not only that, but it ran behind my bed/fridge/stuff. i freaked out and we pulled out my sonic rodent/insect repellent thing, but we didn't see any scurrying or attempts by the mouse to run away, so we assume it left at some earlier point. it's better for me to believe that. if not, i would still be freaking out right now.

last night, went to mama's with sloan, lianna and jess. they put way too much tequila in their margaritas. that's about all i have to say about that. ;)

i love the piano on this song.

i like making lists, it helps me sort out my head.

1) kill bill was a damn awesome movie...bloody, but awesome.
2) filming started yesterday morning on the sloan bradford story, tentatively titled shades of kentucky. (cut to shot of sloan putting on sunglasses.) we barged into ruggles at 915 or so, waking the poor guy up. i felt horrible, since i was the one who caused him to be out until 2 the night before. meera, diana and i woke up at 745 and went to radio shack for dvs at 8, only to discover that the store wasn't open until 9. so we sat in tom's with coffee and various breakfast items for an hour.
3) diwali dinner was fun. they went all out this year, which surprised me, considering how bootleg it was last year. the food was pretty good, i've had better and it was extraordinarily spicy, but i definitely wouldn't call it bad. i got all dressed up in my red lehnga (the same one i wore last year, i should have asked for the pink one instead), and was kind of stressed out before we left (i apologize for semi-freaking out to all who were there), but i calmed down, partly thanks to the fact that all evening sloan couldn't stop telling me how good i looked. ::giddiness::
4) instead of staying for garba, partly because i was exhausted and partly because both of us wanted to see a movie, we went back to my room (where i changed), hung out there for about an hour, then went back to lincoln center and saw school of rock. it was really funny, the little stylist kid was hilarious. i highly recommend it to everyone. who would have expected jack black to work so well with little kids?
5) broadway shakes at tom's are fucking amazing.

so my throat is killing me and i should be working on my papers for silent and CC due early next week, but i'm so incredibly happy because yesterday was the best day ever.

spent the whole day on the town with my sex god, finally got holiday (and it's fucking amazing), saw lost in translation (awesome movie...i highly recommend), had a wonderful dinner at symposium with plenty of sangria split between the two of us, and finally came back and had some quality time. i missed him so damn much during his rehearsal period and i'm so happy to be able to spend time with him again. and i must say, he looks damn hot in his imitation designer sunglasses from the street fair on 49th street. :D

other than that, today i've been doing everything in my power to keep my scratchy throat from progressing to something worse. i've spent today ingesting everything from hot soup to english breakfast tea (oh how i love thee) to orange juice, hoping it will make things better. i bought some dayquil too, so hopefully i can nip this virus in the bud before it progresses to a full-fledged illness.

::sigh:: must get to work before this semester eats me alive...

for some reason i've been more confused than ever this week. i've been doing things wrong, remembering things wrong, giving people the wrong information, not on purpose, but just because i don't catch myself in time. i'll say something completely untrue and then correct myself a minute later with "wait a second, that's not right..." am i becoming a pathological liar? i don't think so...i hope not...dear god, please no...

auditioned for romeo and juliet, but doubt very much that i made it in. whatever. i don't really care, seeing as my experience with R&J was so horrible in high school. bad vibes throughout that entire show. and they made me a hermaphroditic prince. wasn't too happy with that. for once i would love to be a girl in a shakespeare play.

suffering immense sloan withdrawal. seeing him for half an hour last night was definitely not enough. i miss him so much.

too many books, too much reading, too much emotional stress for me to handle. and all of the latter is self-inflicted.

i spent $120 on books today. never mind the $168 i spent yetserday or the $90 i have to spend tomorrow and next week. i've bought more books this year than both semesters last year combined. ridiculous. the up side is i don't have to buy books for spanish. if i can get into spanish in the first place things would be so much better. but then again, i'm not even sure whether or not we're supposed to write an essay for the next class.

this morning i missed my tour, but it's ok because i didn't even know i was supposed to be touring today.

but, last week ended fabulously. i got my navel pierced, took sloan to my tibetan place, and fell even more deeply in love with the lower east side. deep was fun...i wore a tight shirt even though i wasn't supposed to...then we went to a hogan party where all they had to drink was bud shite and tang screwdrivers. tang. who makes screwdrivers out of fucking tang??

been feeling a little shitty lately, but it's been fleeting, and for the most part i'm extraordinarily happy when i realize what wonderful people i have around me. times like yesterday, when jess and i sat around playing "part of your world (reprise)" from the little mermaid over and over, or sloan running over here with a "homemade" dinner for me even though he didn't have to, have made my life this far. it really is the little things that make you appreciate what you have.

new MF album postponed to early 2004. grrr. yesterday i also discovered that the magnetic fields did some music for the show the adventures of pete and pete. that had to be my favorite post-childhood-pre-adolescent tv show. i would watch it religiously. it's a sign, i tell you.

funny how so many people read this and yet no one comments. where's the love, i ask you...where's the love?!?!

anyway. one more class...and then the weekend. i am ever so excited. :)

back from seattle. lots of nature-y stuff. mountain climbing and hikes and such. i talked to sloan the entire way through the hall of mosses at the hoh rainforest, which was awesome.

so it's three weeks of nothingness at home, more boredom, just like the first six weeks of the summer. but it's ok, because i'll be spending a lot of that time getting ready for school, and before you know it, i'll be back in new york again! ::sigh:: cannot go fast enough.

i think something's wrong with my wayward bus/distant plastic trees cd, it won't stop making these weird clicking noises...::very sad face::

i'm 19 now. have been for 2.5 days-ish. doesn't feel any different, but it wasn't like i expected it would.

haven't been doing much lately, just reading a lot of shakespeare and listening to a lot of music. stratford was ok, the plays were good for the most part and i did get some alcohol in me...i even managed to install aim on the hotel computer, talk to sloan for an hour, then uninstall the thing and it was like nothing had ever happened. ::mischeivous grin:: i hope the people at the inn didn't mind...

now for a week of not talking to my love, who is currently in florida. i'll survive, maybe barely, but he'll be back soon. and hopefully we can work out a way for him to visit me...i miss him so much and i need to see him before i go crazy.

i went to curves today. i'm so excited about the prospect of finally getting my body where it needs to be. it was a lot of fun, actually, i think going every day will be a wonderful way to alleviate my boredom.

::"i'm so busy writing my new shit that i can't remember the words to my old shit...da da da, white boy pain, that's it, that's it!"::

saturday was fucking amazing. ben folds played a free concert on the low steps and he was incredible. it was really cool hearing all his songs done on solo piano after you've heard the heavier recordings.

"that homer virgil guy's got a lot of middle names...and you know, the more middle names you have, the more pretentious you are..."

last night was more fun than i've had in a LONG time. we went out for cinco de mayo...drinking 5 glasses of sangria in rapid succession really hit me after about 15 minutes...

tonight is coheed and cambria at the bowery. i'm so excited, we better not screw up again like last time...

"cinco de my boyfriend is a sex god."

twice in one fucking day. sloan and i went to 25th Hour in lerner on thursday night and they were about 20 minutes into the movie when...guess what...the fire alarm went off! $3 wasted. we really didn't feel like sticking around until they let us back in and then having to fight over seats so we just went back to his room and watched super troopers, which is one of those movies that's so idiotic it's hilarious.

i either go to bed incredibly early or mind-blowingly late; i'm asleep at midnight or i'm awake until 6 am. this week has been one of the 6 am weeks. i haven't been getting much sleep. last saturday i didn't fall asleep until 645 and even then it was only for 1.5 hours, wednesday i didn't get back to my room until 5 am, and this morning i got back to my room at 6 and went to bed, but some assholes decided that 630 in the morning would be a wonderful time to start jackhammering the street outside my window. even after i got up to close it i could still hear it drilling into my brain. and when i had fallen asleep, i was awoken at 1030 by reggae music blasting from the street fair that appeared under my window magically during the early morning hours. i kind of want to go check it out, but i have 178 pages of crime and punishment to read and a music hum paper to start before i can do anything else. fortunately the paper is about the magnetic fields, so i'm SO excited. i'm writing about ferdinand and fireflies, which i think are 2 songs on opposite ends of the spectrum. good times.

yesterday i saw bend it like beckham. fantastic movie. it's my family, except that my mother never ::indian accent:: taught me how to make full indian dinner. also, my father's the religious one in the family, not my mother. him and his baghvad gita chanting. i wonder if he still does it while he's washing the dishes in the morning. he's woken me up countless times at 8 am on a saturday with his off-key singing. but everything else fit my family to a tee, almost scarily so. it also made me really excited for suchinth's wedding. :)

i'm also getting kind of worried about housing. jess and i got #1545, which is definitely not horrible but it's still not great. our top choices basically went out the window the minute we got the number. there are 5 studios left in watt, which i would absolutely die for, but it's never going to happen. i would like to live in the nussbaum building but we both agreed that after a year in furnald, we need to start being more social. so at this point it looks like we're going to be living in broadway, which definitely isn't bad housing, but the elevators make me sick. plus it smells like a hospital, which i can't deal with for more than an hour at a time. postering there for erratica was an experience...i was glad to finally get out into the fresh air after going up and down the floors for an hour.

and 2001: a space odyssey is one of the most fucked up movies ever. it's going to be giving me nightmares for weeks. brilliant.

...You're Kim Deal.


Which Member of The Pixies Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

how badly do i want this to be true??? :D

weekend has been eventful. went out all 3 nights: was reunited with most of the other erratica "bootleggers" thursday, broke down at amcaf friday, was completely sober while sloan became more and more intoxicated yesterday (quite the experience..). cannot seem to focus on work whatsoever. which sucks because there's only a month left and i have a big-ass mind brain test tuesday. so i just had tea with lianna and jess and now am trying to gather enough energy to read the last 10 pages of don quixote and then bullshit something about the remainder of the text ~which i did not read.

ooh and it looks like it's fucking snowing outside. it's almost april, for god's sake. let's please stop the snow.

very bored. very very bored. yet happy because everything other than my increased feelings of laziness is perfect.

::sigh::

week has been...interesting. turmoil with the family but that's to be expected, right? i missed sloan like crazy, i talked to him almost every day and it was so fucking nice seeing him again yesterday.

nothing much new. i rediscovered the white album. fell asleep crying to bright eyes last saturday night. am exceedingly happy to be back here and not somewhere where i'm miserable and bored out of my mind at the same time.