When I was 16, I went to the bank with my mother to open up something -- it might have been a CD or a checking account -- anyway, that's not important. It was a Saturday morning, and my mom had forcibly dragged me out of bed because I needed to be present in order to open the account. My hair was long, frizzy and uncontrolled; I was wearing loose, baggy clothing and no trace of makeup whatsoever. I was a tomboy.

The clerk was a loud, boistrous woman, and she did her best to make conversation during our visit. In the middle of the paperwork, she looked at me, then turned to my mother.

"You have a very handsome son," she said. "He looks just like Michael Jackson."

My mom and I looked at each other. "Excuse me?" my mom asked.

"Your son here. He looks just like Michael Jackson."

My cheeks started to flush and my eyes started to well up with tears. I smiled, trying to hold back how embarrassed and upset I was.

"Um...this is my daughter, Roopa," said my mom uncomfortably.

The clerk started laughing. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry," she said, unaware of the tears now beginning to roll visibly down my face. "But you know -- that's really quite a compliment. Michael Jackson was really cute when he was younger."

We finished the paperwork and drove home. I locked myself in my room and cried for three hours.

I think that's the root of my problem. No matter how many times I hear the opposite, at the back of my mind I'm always worried that somehow, I look like a faded male pop star. In some way, that clerk's ignorant comment has stuck with me more than any compliment I've ever received. This is why I can never think that I'm pretty, in any way; whenever I start to feel good about myself, her words enter my mind, and manage to force me into believing that her mistake completely defines what I look like to the world.

They say that you don't really believe the positive things you hear about yourself -- it's the negative stuff that sticks around. I've been trying to make it so that it's the opposite for me. But it just doesn't seem to be working.

I'm having such senior year of high school nostalgia right now -- I recently started listening to the band Dynamite Hack again, which was on a CD that was burned for me towards the end of the previous summer. I started thinking a lot about that year in general and compiled a list of the most vivid memories I have. The italicized ones are my favorites.

THINGS TO REMEMBER WHILE READING THIS.
1) I was a GIANT theater dork. And by giant, I mean GIANT. It was the only group of people I felt remotely comfortable around (and even then, towards the end, I started hating a lot of them as well).
2) I was incredibly shy. I never dated, and anytime I liked a guy I would automatically withdraw and never, ever talk to him. And I wondered why no one ever asked me out.
3) I was an extremely different person from who I am now -- scarily so, in fact. I was quiet and reserved and afraid to talk to people. I was a music elitist, a wannabe punk, always wishing I were someone else. I was scared of the internet, I was terrified of strangers, and still in the process of figuring out who I was (I still am, but I'm a lot more confident now in what I've found out). I was an unbelievable tomboy -- I have some horrible stories about that, for those who want to hear them -- and completely out of shape; I've dropped about 3-4 sizes since then and would actually describe myself as thin now (recent self-esteem rants left aside for the moment). I was afraid of being Indian, because I was one of the only desis in my high school and never had anyone to share my rich culture with me. A few years make a hell of a lot of difference, and I totally like who I am now SO much better than who I was then.

And now...

( This is going to be so embarrassing. )

By the way -- Dynamite Hack's version of Eazy-E's "Boyz in the Hood" is pure gold. Listen to it. If you don't download, I will send it to you. Everyone should hear this song, it's just too funny. [Then again, it could just be me. But what the hell.]

once again, like many fridays before, i am at home online, stressing out about absolutely nothing. i'm not going to the ensemble show this weekend simply because i have better things to do with my time. senior party's tomorrow...if there's one time in my life i'm going to get emotional, this will be it. it will be so sad to see these people go, and to have to go with them. some of them i've known since preschool. sigh...

otherwise, there is absolutely nothing going on right now. i did really well on my ap practice calc test, so i can breathe a little easier - but not too much. i still have to worry my ass off about that test. then i can relax because i am pretty solid with all my other subjects except physics, which i know i'm never going to get a 5 on anyway, so i'm just hoping to pass. =) deryck has not been haunting my dreams lately, but i'm prepared for an ambush. since i missed the damn concert, i guess i'll have to go another 4 months without seeing him live. i feel like such a groupie.

but i'm doing ok, at least better than i have been recently. i'm more optimistic these days, more inclined to see the good in things instead of seeing how everything's going to eventually screw me over. but the sad part is, i still don't have a prom date. woe is me..

ahhh...it's so nice to slack off. i should be doing some physics homework right about now, but i really don't feel like it, and it's much nicer to be sitting here in my pajamas knowing that i don't have anything else to do tonight. sgorr sucks, for reasons that my buddies in core know, and i'm consequently boycotting mj's office until senior party...speaking of which, i have validations to write too. i want to go to college NOW. i'm not even kidding. i want to go now. it sucks so much knowing that there's only two weeks left and there's really no point in even being at school anymore (except for ap exams, which some teachers haven't even started reviewing for yet).

i feel awful...not sick awful, more like a bruised ego, self-concept, whatever. i feel so not adequate right now and i can't get rid of the vibe. i don't feel like i've risen to anyone's expectations of me in the past month, much less the expectations i have for myself. i hate looking in the mirror. when i can't see properly, i think, hey, i don't look that bad, and then as soon as i put in my glasses or contacts i'm like, eeww, you look disgusting. it's so pathetic that i need encouragement from friends about my looks, especially when i don't give a shit about what people have to say about anything else, but it's true. ...i wish i had someone who cares.

wow...it's so fucking hot in here it's not even funny. and my dad won't install the ac until it gets to 100* and we're all dying of heatstroke.

it's kind of weird to be home and doing nothing, because i'm so used to wall-to-wall homework and theatre shit that when i get a little time to slack off, i feel like i'm forgetting something because i'm not doing anything. i really don't want my summer job (counselor at a theater camp), but the lady called this afternoon. normally i'd tell someone who's forcing me to do something i don't want to to fuck off and leave me alone, but she is the sweetest old lady in the WORLD and she's like 86 years old and this camp is her life, so i have to be a damn hypocrite and be all sweet on the phone and listen as she babbles incessantly. i love her so much, but sometimes she gets way too longwinded and i have to just tune out on her to remain sane.

i also talked to the dude at npr, and that job seems like it's going to be so cool. i'm looking forward to project so much, it's not even funny. i've stopped anticipating and now it's just more like, let's get school out of the way so that i can focus on what i want to do, you know? ap exams are coming up and everyone is going nuts - teachers, that is - and all i want to do is sleep and graduate. that's it. but i have all of this bogus work in the way, and i feel so bad not doing it because i've always done the work - not only done it, but done it well. it's just so strange for me to be at a point where i really don't have to stress out about anything, and i can just be outright mellow and laid back like i am at heart (but everything else came in the way of that until now). college decisions are made, sgorr is over (thank the LORD!), theatre is pretty much done for (not only for this year but permanently!) and there's nothing to be scared about anymore.

i thought i was ready to procrastinate, but i guess i'm not so used to being a slacker after all...

goddamnit...19 days until project left. the anxiety is killing me. i just want to get out of school and go do my own thing already. i hate the fact that no one except the seniors realizes that we're seniors and we have this buttload of work to do. plus, i don't have a prom date yet. life sucks.

i had my second to last Day 3 today. tomorrow is my last sgorr day ever. kinda strange, but i'll be ecstatic when i'm out of the "mrs jaffe zone," meaning that she expects sgorr to be our #1 priority, much like jt expects ensemble to be the #1 priority for the senior ensemblers. speaking of which, i feel so bad for them because they have damn extended ALL MONTH. wow. i would never be able to handle jt for that long. the man needs a serious ego check...now...

i'm getting really sick of everyone coupling off for prom. as someone who has never had a boyfriend, let alone been kissed or done **ahem** anything else, i can honestly say that i feel like i'm missing out on something big. all my friends are like "it's no big deal," and "boys suck," but they don't know what it's like to go through 18 years of not even being considered as girlfriend material. it definitely sucks and it does quite a little number on your self esteem. i've never been told i was pretty by someone my own age. i know that sounds like a really superficial thing to say but it IS nice to be told you're good-looking once in a while by someone you care about that is young, not 40 and grey-haired and wishing that they were young again. and i know this is the completely wrong thing to do, but i kind of judge my own self-worth by comparing my experiences and what people tell me to what people tell my friends. i don't really give a damn about what people think of me but sometimes it really gets on my nerves that i've been basically ignored the entire time i've been in high school. i keep hearing things about the pretty friend having to be wit an ugly best friend, and i keep thinking to myself that that is so completely true, especially with me and my best friend. sometimes i feel like people look at me as a joke. physically, i've never felt worse in my life. i feel so ugly all the time and no matter how much i try to convince myself that appearance doesn't matter in the long run, i can't help feeling that i'm going to end up like jennifer lopez at the beginning of the wedding planner - alone, suppressing my emotions and eating tv dinners in front of soap operas every night. guys don't see me as someone worth spending time with. maybe i'm wrong and it has nothing to do with me, but i think that the combination of mediocre looks, good grades and strong beliefs is killing my nonexistent love life. that's kind of why i don't want to go to prom - i don't want to be there and go to parties afterwards and see all the couples on top of each other and feel more alone than ever. that's not cool.