What sucks about going to a great school... is now my selection of men is drastically limited.

So basically, now I either am going to have to deal with a guy who is so pretentious I want to vomit, or a guy who is so threatened by my academic caliber that he treats me horribly to compensate. I've had both at this point. I don't know which is preferable.

Sloan made me paranoid tonight about kicking the boy's ass at Scrabble twice in a row.

Fucking Columbia. They're probably not even going to let me back in.

A couple days ago I got an email from my former thesis advisor, inviting all of us from his 2005 seminar to a little get together he was having with his 2006 class. I already had dinner plans with people but I figured I'd stop by for a little while beforehand.

I ended up having more fun there than I did with my friends. I was the only person from the 2005 group to show up, but I knew a couple of people who were in this year's class, and I think my advisor was happy to have someone there who has graduated and is able to attest to the fact that being shot out into the real world isn't AS sucky as it seems (although it does still suck, no question). I forgot how awesome my advisor is -- I haven't had any correspondence with him since last spring, when he emailed me to tell me that "Chaiyya Chaiyya" was used at the beginning of Spike Lee's Inside Man. (For those of you who weren't around pre-graduation, I wrote my thesis on Mani Ratnam's Dil Se in comparison to his earlier Tamil films, as well as to mainstream Hindi cinema in the 1990s.)

I also discovered that at the beginning of this year's seminar, he sent out MY THESIS as an example of what the class should be doing with their papers. He introduced me with the phrase "This is Roopa -- I sent you guys HER paper" (to which I responded "Wait, WHAT?!"). It's incredibly flattering but it was mildly embarrassing at the same time -- knowing that the bulk of my paper was whipped out over 48 hours at my great-aunt's computer in Chennai, I have to wonder whether it's really appropriate for 1/3 of this year's film studies graduates to have read my paper as a model of what they should be aspiring to. As I was leaving my advisor told me that all of his students wrote 50 page papers in an effort to "try to be as good as Roopa" (even though my paper was only 35 pages, maybe 50 with photo inserts attached). If I could turn red, I would have. There have been very few teachers who have been 100% behind me and my abilities, but he and my playwriting teacher from high school are the first two who immediately jump to mind.

I told him that writing my paper was really one of the most enjoyable experiences I had in my undergraduate career, and as I left the restaurant I realized that I wholeheartedly meant it. THAT'S the kind of passion I want to have about what I do for a living -- something that excites me so much to the point where it doesn't even feel like work anymore. I talked a lot about my career goals last night, and I'm happy to say that now, I am well on my way to acheiving what I think, at this point, I want to do with the rest of my life.

Last night I was going over everything I packed the previous evening and in the morning, and I suddely realized:

( this may be tmi )

My roommate is gone. The apartment feels so weird without her here.

I should be packing right now, as I move across the street into a new building on Sunday, but instead...

The massive graduation update/photo post!

( +25ish. who uses dialup anymore? )

Tomorrow I am going with my parents on a double decker bus tour of New York City, and I am super excited because I have always wanted to do one of those.
Then it's more packing and coming to terms with the fact that because only old people are alumni,
and because I have just graduated,
I, by the transitive property, am OLD.

I'm done, kiddos.

This week has been ABSOLUTELY insane.
Longer update and tons of pictures as soon as graduation craziness is over.

60 page installment of screenplay: due 4/11
Third round of Latin American Cinema response papers: due 4/13
30-40 page installment of screenplay: due 4/25
Final Hitchcock paper: due 5/1
Six Degrees scrapbook: due 5/4
Latin American Cinema final paper: due 5/5
Six Degrees final (which I may not even go to): 5/9

...And I'm spent.
My undergrad workload is finished.
I left my final this morning with an hour to spare because I'm Pass/Failing the class and I just didn't even care anymore.

Now all I need is a job.
And quickly, too, because I don't even have the "I should really concentrate on my schoolwork anyway" excuse to fall back on now.

OK, so, this picture from Senior Dinner last night officially ranks as the cutest picture taken of us EVER.



LIANNA JEAN (O.) HEIDT, what the HELL am I going to do without you next year?!

The dinner itself was so much fun. I was a big nostalgic mess by the end of it, and I haven't really been nostalgic about school ending so far.
It was really the first time that the majority of our class had been under one roof together since freshman orientation.
I have a bunch of other photos from last night to post too, but right now I need to take all of my aggression regarding a different situation out on the two papers I have due on Friday. It's not over yet.

In the words of Dean Austin Quigley, from his speech last night:
"If there is one thing you should take from your experience at Columbia, it is this:
Love makes the world go round...
but alcohol makes it turn twice as fast."

60 page installment of screenplay: due 4/11
Third round of Latin American Cinema response papers: due 4/13
30-40 page installment of screenplay: due 4/25
Final Hitchcock paper: due 5/1
Six Degrees scrapbook: due 5/4
Latin American Cinema final paper: due 5/5
Six Degrees final (which I may not even go to): 5/9

That's really all the work I have left in college?

I've had a sore throat for the past couple of days. It's just my throat that's been irritating me, nothing else. No other symptoms.

My mom says it's from yelling and talking loudly.
My roommate says it's from drinking too much.
I say it's a combination of the above two things.
Wonderful.

Either way, I'm a lush and have been drunk 5 of 7 nights this week.
Thank God I can say it's because this is my last semester of college, or this behavior would be inexcusable.
When I enter the real world next year I really can't afford to be doing this all the time.

But Hot Jazz was SO MUCH FUN last night. It was seriously one of the best evenings of the semester -- and I definitely had a LOT more champagne than I did last time I went.
And I did end up writing 30 pages of my screenplay today (hopefully 40 before I go to bed tonight), despite the hangover, so I'd say today has been enormously productive.

The sad thing, though, is that I went on the writing spree today because I want to have my 60 pages for Tuesday done before 11 tomorrow night.
So I can go out afterwards.

It's shocking how much my priorities have changed since I came to Columbia 4 years ago. I wonder what my 18-year-old self would say if she saw me now.

As of 2pm today, I am officially halfway done with my last semester of college.
Instead of writing about it, I am posting my

SEMESTER PLAYLIST UP TO THROUGH SPRING BREAK.
"Banquet," Bloc Party
"Heroes," David Bowie
"Street Hassle," Lou Reed
"The Swimming Song," Loudon Wainwright III
"This Is Your Night," Amber
"Falling Out Of Love (With You)," the 6ths
"She Is Staggering," Polaris
"Tidal Wave," the Apples in Stereo
"Flowers," Chug
"Take Me Out," Franz Ferdinand
"Rape Me," Nirvana
"Changes," David Bowie
"Breathe (2 AM)," Anna Nalick
"History Lesson - Part II," the Minutemen
"Wave of Mutilation," the Pixies
"Teenage Riot," Sonic Youth
"Academy Fight Song," Mission of Burma
"Bulldog Front," Fugazi
"Ziggy Stardust," David Bowie
"Dreams," Fleetwood Mac
"Damn It Feels Good to Be a Gangsta," Geto Boys
"Just Like Heaven," String Quartet Tribute to the Cure
"Just Like Heaven," the Cure
"Portions for Foxes," Rilo Kiley
"Train in Vain (Stand By Me)," the Clash
"Back in the Wild," Greenskeepers
"Ready to Rise," Vaughn Penn
"Nightrocker," the Chalets
"Super Cool," BANG sugar BANG
"Tainted Love," Soft Cell
"Diplo Rhythm," Diplo
"Cosy in the Rocket," Psapp
"Song Beneath the Song," Maria Taylor
"Nous Ne Sommes Pas Do Anges," Heavenly

Lianna and I both agreed that it feels like spring is in the air today.
That can really only be a good thing.

Lianna and I at Winter Gala (senior formal) last night.

( more winter gala madness. )

I didn't take as many pictures as I wanted, but it's OK. Other people have more that I will collect eventually.

Dance Marathon was awesome this year.

What was NOT awesome was getting one hour of sleep the night before, and then feeling so nauseous that I ended up getting sick in the bathroom and passing out in the dressing room for five hours, forcing me to miss the bulk of the event for which I was supposed to be with the dancers. Apparently, they all noticed I was missing (since I was their primary contact prior to the Marathon and the "face" of Steering to them) and I got so many "How are you feeling?!"s when I returned to the floor.

But the event went amazingly. $50,448 raised (probably with more to come). And while that's not as much as our announced total last year, it's still a massive amount, and will help so many children with HIV and AIDS all over the world. And really, that's the only thing that matters.

(It's weird thinking that my last Marathon is over, though. Now this semester is all about looking for a job and having fun (more the former). The end of CUDM really started hitting it home that this is my last semester of college. Scary thought.)

I keep wanting to go over to Lianna's room and bang on her door.

And then the new resident of her room left the door propped open and everything looks TOTALLY different.

Living on this floor during the summer is getting weirder and weirder.

But, I'm feeling MUCH better right now than I have been over the past few days (weeks, month). I'm so sorry I've been such an asshole to everyone over the past month. I'm finally starting to wind down and accept the fact that I don't have to be stressed out right now.

Still. I know there are a ton of people here now. Except I don't know where any of them are. I should probably work on finding them soon.

Wow. This weekend was unbelievably crazy.

But now I have to deal with getting a new DP for my shoot.

I just wish everything had fallen into place a long time ago and I didn't have to deal with all of this. Maybe this is a sign telling me that making this film was a bad idea.

I shouldn't be thinking like that. I just have to get through this final project and then the semester will be over. And the fun and games in the city over the summer will begin...after 2 lovely weeks at home, for which I cannot wait. And underneath all my stressing out, somehow I have a feeling that things will all work. I just hope I get access to a 24p camera. If I have to shoot on those piece of shit cameras that the Film Division "lets" the undergrads use, so help me I will be ANGRY.

( Entirely unimportant list of things I have to do today. )

It almost doesn't feel like things should be ending. Somehow it still feels like January or February.

But maybe that's because it's gross outside, and my room is freezing.

To everyone I've been awful to over the past week:

I am so, so sorry.

I have been so mean to so many people recently, and I feel terrible about it. If I've said horrible things to any of you, rest assured that I don't mean ANY of them.

The combination of stress and caffeine withdrawal (because I've been so busy that I can't make coffee runs anymore) and MASSIVE cigarette cravings (but I'm being good, I swear) and lots of things due by the beginning of next week is just making me go bonkers.

I realize that's no excuse for my behavior, and I'm not trying to make one, but I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm really not this way all the time, and once May 12th passes, you're going to get the calm, relaxed and decidedly UN-belligerent Roopa back. I promise.

Until then, if you want to leave me love, or encouragement, or just prayers that my film will be produced without a hitch, I will be forever grateful. And, if you're in the NYC area, I may even buy you a drink afterwards to apologize...and to celebrate. :)

Awesome weekend at Vassar with Reeya (mehnaz), although I'm sad that I missed SASAfest.

I'm still down two actors (my leads, of all people) for my final project. I'm starting to get REALLY nervous.

My room is a disaster because I haven't been in it during the day for more than 2 hours at a time for the past week. I don't talk to anyone anymore (with a few exceptions). The combination of school and work is eating my soul. I've loved the experience of holding down an internship while being a full-time student -- it's made this semester incredibly fulfilling -- but I don't know how much longer I can take this without sacrificing sleep entirely.

Getting excited for summer, although things still aren't set completely in stone. Hopefully I will be in the city, but I do want to go home for a week and a half or so, just to see my parents and take care of mundane things -- doctor's appointments, renewing my driver's license (21!!), etc. And apparently my dad wants me and my mom to come with him to Oregon in August for his IIT reunion? Which should be fun. We always seem to take our vacations in the northwest.

I cannot wait for this semester to be over, but I also feel like I need so much more time to get everything I need done accomplished. I've been so wrapped up in worrying about my film final that I've kind of left my other classes to the wayside. I've been walking around in a daze for the past 4 weeks. It's not necessarily bad, but it's very unhelpful when attempting to focus.

Friday at work I realized that I've had my LJ for three years. It seems like aeons and yet negligible at the same time.

I hate dealing with Columbia housing. As soon as the lottery numbers are posted I'll be able to breathe easier. All of this unnecessary drama for nothing. (The numbers are late. Go figure.)

EDIT. I spoke too soon. Lianna and I got a kickass number...which means we're living in a GORGEOUS 2-BEDROOM APARTMENT IN WATT next year!!! Finally, the housing gods smile on me.

On another note, I've been listening to "Everlong" by the Foo Fighters nonstop for the past couple of days. It's such a beautiful song and for some reason it's really been hitting me hard emotionally lately. And I should have paid more attention to it back when it was first released, but I was in my "I only listen to anything POPULAR!" stage and would always switch the radio station when it came on.

And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You gotta promise not to stop when I say when...

Damn hail. It TOTALLY does not feel like spring. The bastards.

Weston and myself, after winning the beirut championship.

More under the cut. (We [and by we I mean me] look hideous in all of these -- 8 days of salt water, chlorine and little to no sleep really does a number on you. But I can safely say that it's clear we're having the time of our lives.)

( Dial up users, BEWARE. All others, prepare for some fun with cheap beer. )

This week, I:

-- Went to the beach for the first time since I was 8 years old.
-- Discovered that I suck at quarters and that if I ever need to get drunk really quickly, I should play it.
-- Learned how to crew a sailboat. (I still can't do it very well, but it was so awesome.)
-- Drank WAY too much cheap beer for one week. (Just to give you a general idea...30 of us went through 240 cans on Thursday night alone. Yeah.)
-- Funnelled. (I was TOTALLY scared before I actually did it, but really, it's not that hard. I was so surprised.)
-- Called the men on the trip a "bunch of whores" after they sabotaged a men vs. women game of flip-cup by physically preventing me from flipping the final one properly.
-- Proceeded to dance with every single one of said men during our late-night, neighbors-calling-the-cops inducing dance parties.
-- Watched Top Gun with a large group of people and played drinking games to it.
-- Went skinnydipping. Twice.
-- Became more than grateful that I have a bed to sleep in every night here. (I only got a bed 2 out of the 8 nights we were there.)
-- Won the 2005 CU Sailing Team Beirut [Beer Pong] Championship with my wonderful partner Weston (aka Team Awkward, then as Team Awesome as we kicked ass all night). And gained bragging rights for an entire year. These people play beirut like it's their JOB. And we beat them all. Mwahahaha.
-- Had one of the aforementioned dance parties on the beach at 1 in the morning, which ended up in the neighbors calling the cops after the music went out and we resorted to singing "You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling" and "Baby Got Back" a capella.
-- Had a giant, fully-clothed orgy with about 2/3 of the sailing team (which basically consisted of everyone just piling up on the couch and then the bed, until it thinned out to the point where only 4 of us were passed out in the same spots we originally were in. 4 people in a queen bed isn't actually as uncomfortable as it looks, but maybe that's because we were all piled up on top of each other all night.).
-- Went into a porn megastore called "Shhh...Don't Tell Momma" to ask for a t-shirt with "Shhh...Don't Tell Momma" written on it. We didn't end up getting them, but it's now the slogan for CUST Spring Break 2005. We're getting our own shirts made.
-- Rode to and from the sailing site and other places in a 1981 Cadillac El Dorado, which lost and then regained its power steering, with the top down.
-- Made 27 or so AWESOME new friends. Who I love to death. And am going to hang out with on a regular basis from now on.

I'm totally going to start hustling the beirut crowd at the West End now. "What's this?...I've never played this before..." Hehehe.

Pictures as soon as I get everything together, unpacked and uploaded.

I love filmmaking. I honest to God am completely enamored with it. I love writing, I love shooting, I love editing. I love reading scripts. I love putting together the visuals and the sound. I love the idea of location shooting. I even love production, and the business aspect of it.

But I'm scared that I'm going to become one of those women too wrapped up in her work to have time for more personal things. Like romance, and marriage, and settling down. And children. And becoming more than just her career.

I've been feeling like a sham lately. I've been feeling like I'm too uninteresting to create. Too boring to waste time with. A mere shadow of who I really could be.

Not being able to write tonight scared me. I don't think I can top my first short, and I feel like anything I write now is going to be a disappointment to me. I don't have that same burst of inspiration that came a month ago, when I saw Hema in my head running across the Great Lawn all decked out in her wedding sari, and developed the script in the last ten minutes of class. That didn't happen this time. I have the story, but the passion isn't coming out.

Passion. That's what's missing from my life recently. Pure, unadulterated passion.

I should go to bed. But I'm too wired on caffeine, and too soaked in worry. When I have nothing else to do I start panicking about who I'm going to be 10 years from now. And my biggest fear is that I'm going to be surrounded by people, but alone. With no one to really, truly open up to.

All I want is someone's arm around me, and a shoulder to rest my head on, and the ability to just sit and exist for a little bit. The comfort of having someone there who understands. To not feel like a placeholder, or a makeshift girlfriend, or someone who'll "do for now" every once in a while. And I want to care about someone in more than an infatuated way. I want the excitement that comes with love. The tingly feeling that never goes away. The 24 hour giddiness of knowing that someone else cares just as much as you do.

I just don't have the energy for any of it right now, and am beginning to wonder if I'll ever have the energy for it again.

They say things happen when you least expect them to. I have too many expectations. And no one around with which to fulfill them.