There was a tropical sense of danger too, for I walked as apprehensively as though a snake coiled under every leaf, because i feared to come on them while he was speaking to her without looking at her, or thinking in silence while he played with her hand. Embraces do not matter; they merely indicate the will to love and may as well be followed by defeat as victory. But disregard means that now there needs to be no straining of the eyes, no stretching forth of the hands, no pressing of the lips, because theirs is such a union that they are no longer conscious of the division of their flesh. I know it must be so; a lonely life gives one opportunities of thinking these things out.

(it doesn't help that i have to write a paper about love and eroticism in this book. i'm getting so lovesick just reading it that i can't focus on writing. that, and i spent all evening talking to the boy who still has my heart in his possession.)

i'm going to see bill murray on the 13th of april with sloan. i'm so excited! and conan on friday which should be SO much fun.

there are certain things i have to remember to live by:

universal truth #1: boys are stupid.
rule #4: never do anything drunk you wouldn't do sober.

the past 24 hours have made these two things entirely too clear.

half the time i feel fine and then half the time i feel so shitty.

he said he'd call tonight. we'll see if that happens or not.

i've been told by multiple people to just leave him alone and to wait until he comes to me. but they don't realize how hard it is to avoid your soulmate.

I don't want to get over you
I wish I could take a sleeping pill, and sleep at will
And not have to go through what I go through
I guess I could take Prozac, right
Or just sigh all night at somebody new
Somebody not too bright, but sweet and kind
Who would try to get you off my mind
I could leave this agony behind
Which is just what I'd do if I wanted to
But I don't want to get over you

Cause I don't want to get over love
I could listen to my therapist, pretend you don't exist
And not have to dream of what I dream of
I could listen to all my friends, and go out again
And pretend it's enough
Or I could make a career of being blue
I could dress in black and read Camus
Smoke clove cigarettes and drink vermouth
Like I was seventeen, that would be a scream
But I don't want to get over you...

~the magnetic fields