I just realized that today is the last day of July. Where the hell is this summer going?

I've been toying with the idea of starting to write personal essays again, with the idea being to build a collection either for my own reference or that can be published. As research for one of the angles that I'm exploring, last Tuesday I sat down and made a list of every single boy that I've ever dated, had feelings for, or both, and gave each of them a nickname that either reflects the nickname my friends and I gave him at the time or encapsulates his character in a nutshell. It's saved in a very, very safe place and I'm not making any of the information public just yet, but it was a total trip (and I mean TRIP) down memory lane to go through fifteen years of my life in boys.

(This blog might get me in trouble (again) one day, but until then who cares.)

Maybe I'm just pessimistic, but whenever things are going well in my life I always prepare myself extra for them to crash and burn at any moment.
And right now, things are going pretty damn smoothly, which leaves me to wonder what exactly is going to fall apart.
There's an "OH FUCK" feeling in my stomach, and my heart, that I simply cannot seem to get rid of.

Last Thursday (before Laura arrived), Lianna and I had lunch in Ferris Booth, and on our way out of the student center we decided to stop at the table that Alice! (Columbia's health and sex education program) had set up for Safer Sex Week, so we could pick up Safer Sex kits and fish the chocolate out of them.

They had a large, transparent jar filled with condoms on the table, with a sign next to it that said "Condom Guessing Game: how many condoms are in the jar?" On a whim, I decided to pull a number out of thin air and write it down. After a barely cursory look at the jar, I guessed 162.

There were 163 condoms in the jar.

Which means I won the game, and am now the proud owner of 163 condoms of assorted variety (colored, studded, female, lubricated, non-lubricated, king size, and more that I probably haven't seen yet). 167 if you count the 4 that I had already received in my Safer Sex kit.



Either this was fortuitous, or fate is laughing at me, and telling me that the man drought is going to last another five months. I can't decide which one as yet.

The one thing I learned tonight:

NEVER MIX RED AND WHITE WINE.

I should have learned this before. But I'm an idiot.

Yeah, I think that cigarette tonight was a bad idea. My cough was getting better but now it's pretty damn bad again.