lost in fog and love and faithless fear

manualfocus @ 2008-07-12T18:06:00

2008-07-12T22:11:07Z

Time Warner came to my apartment to finally install my cable and internet this morning at 9:45 -- my appointment was at 10. Great!, I thought. I can get this over with, sleep for a couple hours and have the rest of my day to do whatever I need to do to finish settling in.

Not the case. I was napping with Project Runway on in the background and all of a sudden the cable box decides to reboot itself. I didn't think it was a big deal and let it do its thing, hoping that this would be the only time it happened.

Unfortunately, the damn thing decides to reboot every half hour on the half hour until around 1:30, when it refuses to even connect at all, and now the box is pretty much dead and won't even switch on.

I called Time Warner at 1:45 to tell them about the problem, and basically demanded that they send a tech over today since the box was LESS THAN TWO HOURS OLD when it conked out. It's 6:10 and I'm still waiting for a tech to show up.

So much for being productive today. I can't even go take a shower now, in case the tech shows up. At least my internet is working okay this time around.

manualfocus @ 2008-07-10T12:35:00

2008-07-10T16:36:37Z

It's really astounding that on the first day I wear a super cute dress to work in FOREVER (because I'm going to a sailing party later tonight), the catcalls on the street increase 200x.

manualfocus @ 2008-05-07T20:06:00

2008-05-08T00:10:11Z

I'm back from a week in the North Woods of Wisconsin. My hell month of travel is over.

All we have left is one more 5-day trip at the end of May/beginning of June, and we'll be done shooting for this show.

So much has happened over the past month that I'm going to have to save for a locked entry later. At this point though, I am definitely looking forward to three glorious weeks back in the city and away from planes, rental cars, hotel rooms, and huts made from mud and sticks.

manualfocus @ 2008-04-07T21:24:00

2008-04-08T01:27:31Z

My travel schedule for the next month:

April 3 - 7: Nashville (tecnically, Summertown, TN)
April 9 - 11: Minneapolis
April 17 - 20: Orlando --> Valdosta, GA
April 22 - 24: Milwaukee
May 1 - 7: Three Lakes, WI (tentatively)

I better get over my dislike of flying real quick.

(Oh and ALSO: I'm supposed to find an apartment and move by May 1 AND find a sublet for my place in the meantime... luckily I have Alexia to do most of the apartment hunt here and send me photos while I'm away, but what the hell am I going to do about the other stuff?!)

manualfocus @ 2008-03-03T08:48:00

2008-03-03T13:50:30Z

Cab ride to bus pickup point: $10.
Bus rides to and from Rhode Island: 6 hours.
5 hours of walking all over Cranston, RI, knocking on doors and talking about Obama: sore body.

Convincing one or two undecideds to lean Obama: priceless.
Seeing an elderly Spanish-speaking woman, who didn't speak any English, go into a fit of excitement just from seeing your Obama button: priceless.
Feeling like a real, concrete part of history: priceless.

Phonebanking tonight, and crossing my fingers that our efforts this weekend paid off.

manualfocus @ 2008-02-12T23:28:00

2008-02-13T04:28:49Z

I just added "CNN's election coverage" to my favorite shows on my Facebook profile (CNN has been on in my apartment pretty much 24/7 since January, with the exception of Larry King).

Remember when we were little and the news was boring? And we thought it would all make sense when we were grown up?

Apparently I'm a grownup now.

Also: shameless plug of Sloan's shiny new blog. He's not using Livejournal, but whatever, it's forgivable.

http://sevenmiddagh.blogspot.com

In reaction to his first post, I told him that if George Allen is on the ticket with McCain and they win, I'm moving to Europe. Macaca my ass.

super tuesday quickie.

2008-02-06T16:44:02Z

I was glued to the results last night -- to the extent that I totally forgot about other things in my life (specifically pertaining to my show, but we're not getting into that publicly) blowing up in my face.

I was so, so proud of my man. Obama held his own. He won more states than Hillary, and thumped her in quite a few -- while she never crossed the 60% mark in any of them (except Arkansas, which was a gimme for her anyway). He's less than 100 delegates behind her now. Watching his and Hillary's speeches together last night only served to further emphasize his grace, dignity and class. Anyone who was doubting his electability and his presidential caliber before better shut their mouths now. And judging by the number of my friends who are changing their minds at the last minute, and voting for hope and inspiration and CHANGE, this is just a sign of further great things to come.

I have such a good feeling about this election. America CAN see that the time for change has come.

Now, it's on to March 4. Ohio, don't fail me now.

manualfocus @ 2008-01-19T14:23:00

2008-01-19T19:23:19Z

I just realized that I am no longer eligible to vote in Ohio.

Because, according to my tax papers, I have officially been a resident of New York City for over a year, I have to register here; I can't fly back to Shaker, like I was planning to, in order to vote in the primary and the election.

While this should make me happy because it brings me even closer to this city than I already was, it's a little bittersweet because I no longer have the opportunity to influence the outcome of one of the swing states. Even in 2004, in a sense, I never had a chance to make my voice heard in Ohio -- the absentee votes were never counted, which is why I was planning on actually going back this year. Even my mother was encouraging me to book tickets home for Election Day, at least, if not March.

I know my vote will still count, no matter where I cast it, and I'm going downtown to register first thing next week. It's just a shame that I can't be there to help Ohio redeem itself for 2004. I suppose this is just one more way in which I'm outgrowing my past.

In other news: T minus 24 hours until the exam. The anticipation is killing me. I just want it to be done already.

manualfocus @ 2007-12-25T18:58:00

2007-12-25T23:58:05Z

what did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?
Got medical benefits that weren't connected with my parents. "Resigned" from a job (twice). Got a tattoo.

did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make real resolutions, but there were certain things I wanted to accomplish, all of which I did. No resolutions next year besides to stay healthy and happy in any way I can.

did anyone close to you give birth?
No, both of my nieces were born in 2006 and all of my friends are still in the relationship/getting engaged/getting married/being bitterly single stage.

did anyone close to you die?
No.

what countries did you visit?
I hate to admit this, but none. It was mainly New York and Cleveland this year, with assorted other US cities tossed in at certain points.

what would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
Nothing that I can think of at the moment. All of the essentials were covered this year. Maybe a little more leg room in terms of my parents but they've been really good about not smothering me lately so I'm hoping it will stay that way. Oh, and maybe an apartment in Brooklyn with a roommate and a living room.

what date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
April 2 - when I started at News & Docs and immediately felt happiness that I hadn't since I left my internship there.

what was your biggest achievement of the year?
Becoming an AP. Completing my grad school application (knock on wood).

what was your biggest failure?
Not knowing when to tone my snark down sometimes. Not controlling my competitive streak (but I've gotten better with that).

did you suffer illness or injury?
Serious flu in July that left me bedridden for a week. I also lost my voice 2 weeks ago from trying to imitate Elaine in the Seinfeld episode 'The Pen' when SHE imitates Brando in A Streetcar Named Desire.

what was the best thing you bought?
The 'Seinfeld: The Complete Series' boxed set. My new bag that I'm carrying to work. My tattoo. And, even though it's not a THING, my bangs.

whose behavior merited celebration?
Sloan, for putting up with ALL of my crap, all the time, even though he mocks me for it (Zahra, this goes for you too!). Musetta, for getting her masters, for being so much stronger than she would ever give herself credit for, and for being there when I needed her. Lianna, for starting her journey to becoming Dr. Heidt (and for not forgetting about me even though she's halfway across the country).

whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
If I was, I don't remember.

where did most of your money go?
RENT, food, clothes and toys for myself, alcohol. That said, I really didn't spend that much this year. A month after I got my raise my dad commented that this was the first time that more money had gone into my account in a month than had gone out.

what did you get really, really, really excited about?
Working at News & Docs. Harry Potter 7. Applying to journalism school. The Hold Steady @ Prospect Park. Still totally excited about seeing the Magnetic Fields in Feb. for the first time in 3 years.

what song will always remind you of 2007?
Anything off of 'Boxer' by The National.
'Stronger' by Kanye West and 'Drivin' Me Wild' by Common.
'Umbrella' by Rihanna because it was EVERYWHERE this summer.

compared to this time last year, are you:
happier or sadder? Much, much happier. This time last year I felt really, really emotionally empty.
thinner or fatter? Ah, who the hell knows.
richer or poorer? Richer.

what do you wish you’d done more of?
Gone out between January and April. Met more people.

what do you wish you’d done less of?
Moped in my apartment through the first half of the year.

how will you be spending christmas?
Currently, with my dad eating good food and relaxing. I have to go back to work tomorrow so I don't want to do anything exhausting or crazy.

did you fall in love in 2007?
Not in the romantic sense, but I did finally realize that Sloan is and probably will always be one of the best friends that I've ever had.

how many one-night stands?
One (but we're still on good terms so I'm hoping it won't stay that way).

what was your favorite tv program?
The Office. I rediscovered my obsession with Seinfeld. I swore off Grey's Anatomy after the disaster that was the Season 3 finale. And I think I have finally gotten over my trashy VH1 dating shows guilty pleasure from last year.

do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No.

what was the best book you read?
'Franny and Zooey' by JD Salinger. Although right now I'm reading 'The Razor's Edge' by Maugham, which Sloan claims is in his top 5 books of all time.

what was your greatest musical (re)discovery?
Discovery: The National. Kimya Dawson / The Moldy Peaches. I also listened to A LOT of The Hold Steady but they don't count because I found them in 2006.
Rediscovery: Yeah Yeah Yeahs (because of their new EP, which is STELLAR). Common (his new album isn't as great as 'Be' was, but his live show definitely made up for it - right Sukanya?). Tegan and Sara (I didn't like 'The Con' much at first but it steadily grew on me). The Magnetic Fields (thanks to a much-appreciated leak of their new album).

what did you want and get?
A fulfilling job. A way to manage my curly hair when I don't want to destroy it with my flatiron.

what did you want and not get?
Stability (but I've accepted that I'd hate it if I did have it - instability makes life interesting).

what was your favorite film of this year?
'No Country For Old Men' - hands down, a perfect movie. Distant runner up: 'Juno'.
ETA: I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT 'SUPERBAD.' Michael Cera, I am so, so sorry. At least I still had a movie of yours in there initially.

what did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
#23: Second in my five year apology for not getting shitfaced on my 21st. Started out with a LOT of beer at Loreley, then headed to the LES and finally blacked out at St. Jerome after Musetta's boyfriend gave me a shot of god knows what and I sassed Sloan for leering obscenely at a cage dancer.

what one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More crazy adventures, but there's still a week left!

how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Wifebeaters, gray t-shirts, dark jeans and Converse. Colorful sweaters and funky jackets. Big earrings (especially my doorknockers) and pendants. I dressed in men's clothing and/or very simple stuff this year, I think in response to the (in my opinion, overplayed) dresses and leggings fad.

what kept you sane?
My friends. Working (ironically). My music collection (duh).

which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Barack Obama. Dave Grohl (but he's always been my hero).

what political issue stirred you the most?
Ahmedinejad @ Columbia (and not in the way that most people were stirred. I hate what he stands for but I think that a prestigious and liberal institution shouldn't be so quick to shut down any opinion or speaker that doesn't mesh with its ideologies (also see: John McCain @ Class Day 2006). We had a great opportunity to knock the guy down intellectually, and we totally blew it). Campaigns for the primaries. And as always, HIV/AIDS and sexual health.

what did you miss?
School (A LOT). My now out-of-state friends. My mom (she's in India until February).

who was the best new person you met?
Everyone at 770 and the people I've met through them. Working in that office (and our department) is like working for a small company instead of MTV.

tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.
Things WILL work out the way they are supposed to (although I'm still struggling to accept this).

quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Yeah I can't do this.

manualfocus @ 2007-12-21T12:19:00

2007-12-21T17:22:40Z

A haiku:

i missed hot showers.
now that they fixed the heater
i feel whole again.

manualfocus @ 2007-12-18T22:04:00

2007-12-19T03:04:34Z

I am officially a MAN because tonight I switched out the coaxial cables in my splitter and now have internet AND tv, instead of just one. Essentially, I did the repair guy's job. I am so undeservedly proud of myself.

maddy bravo strikes again.

2007-12-16T18:53:39Z

Internet at home is out again for the sixth or seventh time over the course of the year. It probably has to do with the recent snow/ice storm and the wire connections on the roof (which were sketchy at best). Add this to the loooooong list of reasons why I cannot WAIT to move out of my dump of a studio next summer (other pertinent ones being the overheating, lack of legitimately hot water, and the constant fear that the elevator's going to break down. I'm tempted to put the orange walls on there too, I'm starting to get really sick of them).

So right now I'm sitting in the Dunkin Donuts around the corner from my building. Thank god that I have a laptop. I'm also at the window counter people-watching, so it's not all bad.

These past two days have made me realize that I hate how dependent on the Internet I am. Every so often I think about getting rid of the Internet at home altogether but at this point I'm 99% sure that it would never fly. I flipped out yesterday at around 5 when I wanted to check my email and couldn't, and embarked on a two hour trek to every coffee shop and Starbucks in the vicinity. I got so upset at the lack of free wireless access that I ended up just going shopping instead, to try and distract myself. (Tangentially, holiday sales are the best thing EVER. I got a great jacket marked down to $10 from $68, which definitely put me in a better mood.)

I suppose being disconnected from the world is good in a way. It'll get me to edit down my essays and study the 75 Newsweeks I have sitting in my apartment. But at this point I just want my damn cable box to start working again. On a day like today I'd rather be in bed writing this entry than sitting on an uncomfortable wooden stool.

manualfocus @ 2007-12-09T14:39:00

2007-12-09T19:39:20Z

I am on NO SLEEP because the super refuses to turn the heat down in my apartment. And it's not even that really humid summer heat, it's really dry and I wake up all but dehydrated every morning, even when I didn't go out drinking the night before. All my windows are wide open but it's not helping. I also keep having really bizarre and emotionally upsetting dreams which I am SURE are connected to the heat in some way. It's gotten to the point where I don't even care that my hot water doesn't go all the way up anymore because it's actually a chance for me to cool down.

Also, I cannot WAIT to go back to work tomorrow. Having three weeks off seems like a good idea in theory but I've been driving myself nuts.

although this means a trip to the hair care aisle.

2007-11-28T05:34:27Z

I almost forgot what I look like as a curly girl.

Maybe it's time to give the straightener a rest for a while.

(Also almost forgotten: how much I want to BE Karen O.)

WOOOOO!

2007-11-18T23:08:01Z

The water temperature in my shower just went up from "FREEZING" to "comfortably warm!"

Things are looking up!

blockage.

2007-11-15T16:04:17Z

I wrote a 45-page thesis about Bollywood and Indian terrorist movies. Over the course of my college career I became a pro at churning out a 5-page book analysis in under an hour every week. But who knew that writing sensationalistic bios of thirteen teenagers in Brooklyn would be so difficult?

I've been trying to do this since 4:30 yesterday afternoon and haven't even managed to complete ONE as yet. Granted, it's a nice breather from editing 24/7, but I definitely did not think that it was going to be this hard to take high school drama and shape it into viable plot points.

Add to this the fact that I really cannot concentrate today for personal reasons, and we have a two-hour assignment that's probably going to take me all day.

I wish these bios would just write themselves so that I could tackle the next beast: THE POWERPOINT PRESENTATION.

frightening.

2007-10-15T22:42:05Z

This may just be me, but if I were writing in to be considered for anything -- a job, a show, an academic program, whatever -- I would want to make the best possible first impression -- that is, literate, intelligent, and capable of writing a short, coherent email to someone.

Apparently 95% of the under-18 set doesn't feel the same way.

You would think that after working on casting shows for almost 5 or 6 months (putting together all the different projects for which I've had to find people), I would eventually have gotten used to the fact that most kids can't differentiate between Internet-speak and proper writing. But I haven't. Every time I get an email in the casting box that says "OMG u shud pick me bc i luv MTV and theres so much DRAMAAAAAA at my skool!!!!1!!" my first instinct is to trash it.

Of course, I can't do that, because then our options would be drastically limited, and we only have 4 more weeks to cast this show. But I just want to make these kids realize that it's not okay to write in abbreviations and Net shorthand to someone they don't know -- especially someone they are trying to impress. Usually it works the other way around.

Maybe I'm just an insane grammar Nazi, but if you can't run your shit through the spellcheck before sending it out, then I don't know if I even want to consider you. OMG WTF LOL.

(Oh and PS, kiddies: Don't try to tell me how to change the show until you see firsthand how much it takes for any idea to get through the development process here. There is a reason that we decided on the location we're using and not your little town in the middle of nowhere.)

my name is judge.

2007-08-15T00:48:09Z

Yesterday I FINALLY put Jesus Camp back in the mail to Netflix, after maybe a month of it sitting on my bookshelf.

Today I got an email that told me I'd be getting The US vs. John Lennon tomorrow and I got really excited, because hey, I've wanted to see it for ages and VH1 was taking forever to air it (they were working on the acquisition back when I was still working there).

Two minutes ago I just saw a commercial on VH1 for this Friday's premiere airing of -- wait for it -- The US vs. John Lennon.

Can whoever's in charge of my life please let up a little on the irony? It's getting a bit exhausting.

ETA: APPARENTLY NOT.

From a phone conversation with my mother this evening:
"You should start putting yourself out there, find someone nice, have a long engagement. But don't bring home a boy with tattoos and a ponytail, I cannot have a tattooed son in law."

WTF MOM! If you're going to force me to get married, at least let me find someone who I think is hot. Seriously I don't know who this woman is anymore.

* * * * *
Also I watched the last five minutes of Mission: Man Band this weekend and saw, like I expected, that I hadn't been credited. It's not that I'm torn up about it or anything but that basically ensures that my entire nine months there is going unrecognized. Considering all the grief I went through getting the talent their checks for that show, I think that's a little unfair, but whatever. I'm in a much better place now, both emotionally and in terms of my own career goals, anyway.

we used to shake it up in shaker heights.

2007-08-11T00:48:45Z

These posters appeared all over our office between 4 and 6 PM today. At first I got really excited but then I realized that if this were to happen, and MTV were to revert back to what it once was, my entire department would probably be out of a job.

Last night I went to see The Hold Steady -- only my favorite band EVER right now -- in Prospect Park with Sloan. And now I'm pretty much never going to go to a concert again if it's not them, because it was seriously the best live show I've ever seen.

This is my favorite picture ever just because I look ridiculous and he looks ready to punch a mother out.

That's better. We've been through our shitty times but he really is my BFF.

This is the only picture I got of the band because soon afterwards I started flipping out and jumping around and screaming all the lyrics. You can maybe sort of make out the frontman (Craig Finn) but I just think this looks really cool.

Best. Concert. EVER. They're coming back to the city in September and I cannot wait.

One last thing: keep your calendars free on Saturday, August 25 from 1 to 7 PM EDT for the True Life Marathon on MTV -- the project I've been working on for the past month. It's the first time something I've worked on this closely has aired and I'm super proud of my contribution to it. So watch it!

logging tape and taking names.

2007-08-07T03:14:49Z

I've been shooting all day, and transcribing footage all night. I just got home from work maybe 15 minutes ago. And even though the days are long and exhausting, coming home feeling more than ever like my input is truly being valued makes it all worthwhile. I love my job right now.

* * * * *
What was NOT fun was this conversation from tonight:

Me: Hey mom, I'm still at work, I'll be home late tonight.
Mom: Okay, just warning you though, [CENSORED] Auntie called and she wants to set you up with some boy, so just be polite when you let her down... but I also think you should keep your options open and think about it.
Me: ...What?
Dad: You know, good marriages don't carry the labels "arranged" and "not arranged" -- they're just good. Same goes with guys. They good ones aren't hard to distinguish.
Me: What is wrong with you people?
Mom: Say you meet someone tomorrow, it'll be 3 or 4 years before you get married.
Me: So you're saying my time's running out.
Mom: I'm saying that these mothers are looking for eligible daughters for their sons, and that's what you are right now. It's only going to get worse. Soon people are just going to be coming right to you with these ideas.
Me: I thought you were on my side, TRAITOR.

So I guess I'm an "Eligible Desi Bachelorette" now. I've made jokes about this moment before, but I never thought it would actually happen. I am truly terrified. But how do you say "Oh sorry, Auntie, I like white boys" without making her flip out on you?

special favors come in 31 flavors.

2007-08-01T02:10:48Z

I just realized that today is the last day of July. Where the hell is this summer going?

I've been toying with the idea of starting to write personal essays again, with the idea being to build a collection either for my own reference or that can be published. As research for one of the angles that I'm exploring, last Tuesday I sat down and made a list of every single boy that I've ever dated, had feelings for, or both, and gave each of them a nickname that either reflects the nickname my friends and I gave him at the time or encapsulates his character in a nutshell. It's saved in a very, very safe place and I'm not making any of the information public just yet, but it was a total trip (and I mean TRIP) down memory lane to go through fifteen years of my life in boys.

(This blog might get me in trouble (again) one day, but until then who cares.)

always the tone of surprise.

2007-07-23T02:37:59Z

I think I'm such a rockstar but in reality I am a giant dork.

I finished HP7 in under 48 hours (and, when you consider that I spent a good chunk of that time outside of my apartment, that's quite a feat) and I'm now currently reading it again --- about 100 pages in. I'm so into Potterworld right now that when my mom asked me about work, I struggled to remember what I actually do for a living.

Screw TV. I want to be a witch.

yes no maybe.

2007-07-16T00:29:56Z

This week was a mishmash of adrenaline,
blistering heat and no air conditioning,
unintentionally getting drunk on a Monday night,
sitting on the fire escape,
iced tea lemonade,
rain,
Harry Potter,
stress at work,
Bastille Day parties,
ice cream (in both cups and cones),
good beer,
AVOCADOS,
everything smelling like fabric softener,
butterflies (the internal kind),
more phone conversations than usual,
TV I will never admit to watching,
and coffee and catching up.

In other words, summer.

manualfocus @ 2007-07-02T14:03:00

2007-07-02T18:10:46Z

That's a pretty to-scale image of what the sleeping situation in my apartment is like right now. My cousin came down from Westchester yesterday and decided to join the party so now I have three -- count them -- THREE -- people living with me in my studio which was cozy enough for just one person.

They're all leaving tomorrow so it will be back to me, by myself, for the first time in what seems like an eternity. We have to get through tonight first, though. God help us all.

manualfocus @ 2007-06-26T16:04:00

2007-06-26T20:11:30Z

I feel like all my posts lately have been of the "I AM ALIVE" variety.

Having said that...

I AM ALIVE. I also am 23 and have long, eye-covering, hipster bangs now. I've just been super busy at work and my mother is staying with me in my teeny tiny studio until the beginning of July, so that leaves very little time for me to update.

Without going into too much detail, things are going well and I'm cautiously optimistic about the future; and for those of you who are curious about what I'm doing now that the pilot's been completed (and are my Facebook friends), you can mosey on over to my Notes section.

Until next time!